The Amazing Kiwi Girls

In excitement for the upcoming premiere of the Amazing Race17, let me enlighten you on two Kiwi girls obsession with the show. For the past year or so (maybe longer), fellow Kiwi girl Kristin and I have been plotting to get on the Amazing Race. It’s been a dream for both of us and we feel that we have the right amount of brains and brawn (me being the brains, her being the brawn), as well as natural chutzpah combined with our movie star good looks- we are made for this show!

But honestly, we have talked at length and strategized about how we would handle each road block, detour and challenge that would come our way. For instance, I am not a strong swimmer. In a swimming challenge, Kristin could handle that with ease given her college swimming background. But for say, maybe a beer drinking challenge? Well shit, I’ve got that one in the bag! I’ve been consistently training since I was 21. Maybe even a little before, but for legal reasons- 21.

We’ve also talked about challenges that could make or break you. For me- something that I feel I could absolutely NOT do is eat really crazy things like insects, spiders, starfish, and anything that still has eyes attached. Another would be to strip down to my skivvies and run almost naked in a crowded city. Yes, these are actual challenges.

So I’ve put together a list of tips for Amazing Race contestants, future contestants and maybe just even all around life lessons:

• Learn morse code.    …  .  .-. .. — ..- … .-.. -.–    Just sayin.
• Remember your best friend Karma. She can be a saint or bitch when she comes back around.
• Each learn the basics of a different language. Kristin- you go ahead and take Mandarin. I’ll take Australian, mate.
• Don’t ever lose your passport. Finding a US Embassy in the Seychelles can be a real problem.
• Pair yourself with someone who is essentially fearless and fiercely competitive (like I have). They’ll pick up the slack for your lazy ass.
• Practice carrying things on your head. Laundry, buckets of water, your dog. Whatever.
• Given the choice of the challenge where one involves animals and the other doesn’t? Always choose the non-animal challenge. You can never trust a spitting llama.
• Never underestimate the power of your taxi driver. He/she can cost you $1 million dollars.
• Don’t be afraid to throw elbows or knock down flight attendants and passengers while exiting an airplane.
• READ THE ENTIRE CLUE. I’ve seen so many seemingly intelligent people completely lose the game because they didn’t read that they had eat the entire pickled herring, even the head.

But nothing, not all the training, plotting, practicing, strategizing in the world could ever prepare ourselves for this:

Oh snap is right!