The Black Friday Debacle of 2008

The following is a true story. The names and locations have been changed in order to protect those involved…

The year was 2008. The day: Black Friday. Someone (let’s just call her “Messica McMandless”) innocently suggested that it might be fun to take a little road trip in order to hit up the Midnight Madness sales at the outlets  in Williamsburg, VA (OK, so technically the locations have not been changed…).

Like all ideas that end badly, this one seemed foolproof in theory. We were to arrive at midnight and beat the crowds, pull up to the front of the outlets, cruise into a parking spot and spend the next couple of hours working our way through each store while saving hundreds of dollars and completing our holiday shopping.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I can literally feel you judging us. And you’re totally right. The actual morning went a little something like this:

• 30 minutes into the drive- hit traffic. Still hoping for the best, someone inquires whether or not there is an accident ahead. Nope. Just Midnight Madness traffic. For miles and miles and miles…
• Brilliant idea #2: “Let’s cross the median to turn around and take another exit!” Car stuck in median. Two Kiwi Tree girls and three random strangers later, the car is pushed out of the median and a glimmer of hope returns.
• Fast forward to another hour later- stuck in traffic in the opposite direction. Two Kiwi Tree girls can no longer hold their bladders and decide that the shrubs on the side of the road will have to do. Of course, traffic decides that now would be a good time to move…
• 45 minutes later- pull into the parking lot and try not to hit any of the people darting out in front of our car while desperately searching for a parking spot.
• 20 minutes later- park.
• Next two hours spent pushing through mosh-pit like crowds in search for discounts. None found.
• Cue sunrise and our cue to get the hell out of there.
• Next hour- silent car ride home (while secretly blaming “Messica McMandless”…)

Clearly, this event taught us one thing: Black Friday blows. So, this year, The Kiwi Tree is celebrating Cyber Monday! We are offering FREE SHIPPING on all purchases starting Monday, November 30^th through Friday, December 4^th! Just enter promo code KTXMASFS and enjoy FREE SHIPPING from the safety of your own home.

And don’t forget, Emergency Card Packs and Secret Santa Box Sets make the perfect gift!

Atlantic Assault

Just like earthquakes in California and tornados in Kansas, hurricanes are something that us East-coasters expect and are a little used to.  But by this time of year the hurricane watch is over, with August and September being the high season.

So last week, when I heard there was going to be a Nor’easter heading our way for the weekend, I didn’t think much of it. We get them all the time. No big deal. Certainly not as big a deal as an actual hurricane, or even a tropical storm. But when I woke up Thursday morning and had a text from my mom saying schools were closed, I knew this wasn’t your average nor’easter. My office, too, was closed for the day, the flooding had already started, The Weather Channel was broadcasting live from Hatteras and the Virginia Beach Oceanfront, and the storm was being dubbed the “Atlantic Assault”. One newscaster, after showing the high and low pressure systems meeting in the middle, was calling it The Perfect Storm.

When a hurricane develops and looks to be heading toward the east coast, all eyes are on the news the entire week prior for the latest updates on the storm track. People head to the store to stock up on bottled water, batteries, generators and alcohol (an absolute necessity if the power goes out and you’re left to just stare into the dark or play cards by candlelight. Might as well be drinking to make it more interesting). Anyway my point is, we’re prepared. For this particular storm, not so much. It may have been called a Nor’easter but this bitch was a hurricane. Wind gusts up to 75 mph, downpouring rain for 3 days straight, people losing power for over 4 days…this all had the weathermen calling this storm “Nor’Ida”. (Get it? Nor’Easter combined with Hurricane Ida? Yes, how very clever those meteorologists are).

So, since a picture’s worth a thousand words, here is what Nor’Ida left in my neighborhood after she left town. Damage worse than the past few hurricanes, that’s for sure. What a bummer.

The Christmas that stole Thanksgiving

Ahhhhhhhh, Christmas time is here! Oh you say it isn’t, but it soooooo is. You can’t deny it, it’s all around you. Disney’s “A Christmas Carol” starts this Friday. Yes, as in November 6^th, this Friday. The mall has already set up Santa’s Workshop. Even Brookstone was playing Christmas music on Halloween!

Christmas is inching its way up the calendar earlier and earlier every single year and I know I’m going to get hate mail, but I LOVE IT! I love Christmas. Everything about it. The weather, the music, the baking, the movies, the fire, the tree, the parties, the friends, the family, the cards, the traditions. We can thank my mother for my love of all things Christmas.  She’s what I like to call a Christmas extremist. Just as terrorists are fanatical about terrorizing; my mother is fanatical about Christmas.

I grew up in a house with two Christmas trees, garland on every banister, down every hallway, twinkling lights wrapped around pretty much anything that didn’t move, jingle bells and holiday sweaters on the dog, Christmas bed spreads and blankets, and even our bathroom towels were Christmas towels. The woman is nuts for Christmas. And sadly for my husband, I have inherited the Christmas gene.

Unfortunately for him he came from a family that puts up their tree maybe a week before Christmas? Well I broke the news to him (on Halloween, in fact), that the first of two Christmas trees is going up in T minus 14 days. Yes folks, that means my Christmas tree will be up on November 14^th. Judge me all you want, but as far as I’m concerned Thanksgiving is nothing but a Christmas tailgating party. A pre-party if you will. And as far as Christmas is concerned, well… Thanksgiving is dead. RIP Thanksgiving, it’s been real. Tis the season and bring on the egg nog!!

Come join us this Sunday, November 8th at the CHKD Holiday Bazaar. Entry is a $1 donation. It’s for a good cause and there will be lots of Christmassing going on!! Click here for more info on the CHKD Holiday Bazaar

I’m not crazy. I’m just determined.

So I’m 28, and have been to dozens of weddings since college. I’m embarassed to say, that I’ve never been asked to be a bridesmaid. Never. I like to think that I’ve just barely made the cut, it’s all that has kept me from falling into a deep depression, caused by my 2nd tier friend status.

So when one of my best friends from my sorority in college, we’ll call her “Pam” (because that’s actually her name), told me she was engaged, my immediate thought (coupled with sheer joy for her) was ”Is this the ONE? The wedding where I get to be a BRIDESMAID for the first time?!”

Well, weeks went by, a date was set, a venue chosen, Pam had even talked to caterers, yet no mention of asking me to be a bridesmaid. I stalked her wedding page daily to see if she had updated it with her bridal party, it was blank. But I knew deep down she had already chosen, and it wasn’t me. So after a month of agonizing, I finally emerged from denial and realized I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid, I decided drastic measures would be taken. I refused to accept 2nd tier friend status at another wedding. Especially not this one. Not Pam’s wedding. 

My plan of attack would be to have her send me pictures of her bridesmaid dresses, and I’d just surprise her. I’d buy the dress, and just start hanging out with the real bridesmaids. I’d be an honorary bridesmaid. On the big day, I’d do my hair up nice and show up for the bridal party pictures. And no, this isn’t scary at all. I’m not crazy. I’m just determined.

Anyways, just a week after accepting the fact that I was going to have to take drastic measures, I received a card from Pam, asking to be a bridesmaid. I screamed when I opened the envelope, it was like I was being proposed to. I called her immediately and said “I DO!” Thank goodness! I could keep my crazy bottled up a little longer. At least until Lindsey’s wedding (another best friend from college).

Pam & Tim, while I plan on catching the dancefloor on fire with my HOT moves, I promise not to do this at your wedding.  Look familiar?

Me recovering from a fall during a "dance party" in Pam & Tim's kitchen.

And Pam, I give myself this card. Because after admitting how psychotic I am, the least I can do is be a good bridesmaid. I won’t blow it.

R.I.P. 20’s

Oh crap. It’s happening as we speak. I am turning 30 right now. Not only did I notice that my boobs have traveled south for the winter, but I swear I just spotted a new wrinkle under my right eye.  So far- not impressed with my 30’s. However, in all fairness, I will give it another 3 minutes before I beg my 20’s to take me back.

To pass the time, I am now going to obsess about the things that I will miss as I graduate from the class of 20-somethings (cue depressing graduation song from Vitamin C). 

 

• Shopping at Forever 21. Sigh. 
• Drinking without feeling so hungover the next day that my hair hurts.
• Being able to talk openly about the latest episode of Gossip Girl.
• Spending money on a ridiculously expensive purse vs. placing it in a retirement fund. 
• Guilt-free days spent lounging in bed watching TV. With no interruptions. 
• Wearing regular-strength deodorant. Apparently, I sweat more in my 30’s…

 

Hmmm… Those seemed a lot less pathetic in my head. Maybe my 30’s won’t suck ass. Wait a minute. Am I too old to say things like “suck ass?” Oh crap.

Spring Forward, Fall Down

Well, once again, it’s happened. Summer is over. I’ve been holding off on saying that as long as I could, but while I was in Target the other day looking for a cooler to take to the beach, I made my way back to the seasonal section and all I found were Christmas decorations.

Ever since we had one cool weekend at the beginning of September, all anyone can talk about is how fall is here. Well, a month or so later, with the pumpkin spiced lattes brewing in Starbucks, the Christmas decorations out at Target and our very own Kiwi Tree homepage advertising our awesome holiday card box sets that are only $18 for a set of ten, I can finally admit that summer is over. And if you know anything about me, you’ll know this is when my depression sets in. SAD, also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder if you want to get all technical. I like wearing flip flops and tank tops, like having a little bit of color on my naturally pale skin and do not like the feeling of constant cold that happens to me when the wind chill gets down to a blistery 55 degrees.  I am pretty sure I was born to live somewhere tropical, but what can ya do?

And let’s not forget about the most dreaded day of the year…daylight savings, when all of a sudden I leave work and it’s the middle of the night. There goes my motivation to do anything but put on a pair of sweats (must…get…warm…) and pour myself a cocktail as I collapse on the couch and turn on the TV, settling in for the next few hours until it’s time to go to bed and do it all over again. Maybe I’ll get up to make dinner, or maybe I’ll just pour another glass of wine since I thought ahead and brought the bottle to the couch with me. (don’t judge me.)

To keep all the haters at bay (you know who you are…you’re the ones who have been posting on facebook everyday for the past month how excited you are that fall is here), there are a few things I appreciate about the changing of the seasons. In no particular order:

1. Pumpkin beer hits the shelves.

2. It’s nice to open up the windows and feel a cool breeze instead of walking outside and being hit by humidity.

3. And I’ll say it again, because it’s worth mentioning twice…pumpkin spice lattes.

4. Jeans. I love jeans.

5. Our highly anticipated second line of greeting cards have arrived

So there you have it. Four not really good reasons I like fall and one shameless self promotion. What can I say…I’m a warm weather gal. And as fall starts to rear its chilly head, the days get shorter and the bitter cold becomes colder, I’ll just be truckin along, waiting for the first signs of spring. If you need me, I’ll be on my couch.

Cold. Thanks for asking.

Rock out with your cock out- it’s stupid holiday month!

For those who can’t keep up, October is pretty much stupid holiday month. Today we’re celebrating Positive Attitude Month, Women’s Small Business Month, Sausage Month, National Sarcastic Awareness Month and Self-Promotion Month. Instead of just focusing on one stupid holiday, I thought I would pay tribute to all of them- Kiwi style! Halloween can suck it.

Happy Positive Attitude Month!  Yeah, we’re bringin’ it back old school like…

Happy Women’s Small Business Month! Shout out to my bitches!!

Happy Sausage Month! Could this be more appropriate?

Happy National Sarcastic Awareness Month! We decided to give you a little sneak preview of our holiday line, because let’s face it- we appreciate a little sarcasm, even at Christmas.

Lastly, it’s our favorite- SELF PROMOTION MONTH! In honor of our new card line launching next week, you can sign up for our email blast to receive a special FREE SHIPPING code!

I love you. I love you. Of course. I LOVE YOU!

Let’s admit it. Despite Ross’s 3 marriages, the whole “we were on a break” thing, and Joey’s ridiculously frustrating infatuation with Rachel, all we ever wanted was for Ross and Rachel to end up together. For 10 years, we waited patiently for the day that they would realize they were each other’s lobster.

This is why the finale is our final favorite episode.

Favorite Episode #7:  “The Last One, Part 2” (Season 10, Episode 18)

Grab a tissue. Ew no! Not for that!

It’s about fucking time!

Ok, and if you don’t cry everytime you watch that episode, then you’re a heartless person. With no heart.

FREE SHIPPING TODAY, TUESDAY on all cards! Don’t miss it!

Tell all of your friends that you’re thinking of them!

Don’t “F” This One Up…

So, it’s Monday. And we’re sure that everyone is really in the mood to take a quiz on a Monday. So…our next favorite episode of Friends takes us to that fateful day when Monica and Rachel lose their apartment to the boys. Test your knowledge on the episode that tests THEIR knowledge.

Favorite Episode #6:  “The One With The Embryos” (Season 4, Episode 12)

Only watch this if you can’t handle the ultimate Friends lightening round!

What is Monica’s biggest pet peeve?

Animals dressed as humans.

What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all male burlesque?

Viva Las Gaygas.

Rachel claims her favorite movie is Dangerous Liasons. Her actual favorite movie is…?

Weekend at Bernie’s.

In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?

…

Ew, no! Her Ear!

Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?

Everyday use, Fancy, Guest, Fancy Guest… 11!

What is Joey’s favorite food?

Sandwiches.

Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl’s breast?

14? No. 19.

And as if you needed more Friends trivia… How did Monica and Rachel finally win their apartment back?

Here’s a hint:

 Remember, free shipping TOMORROW on all, enter promo code KWTFRNDS at checkout!

 Visit us again tomorrow for our final Favorite Episode #7!

Why God, why?! We had a deal! Let the others grow old, NOT ME!

So this episode was chosen as a Friends favorite because this is the year that 3 of the 4 Kiwi ladies turn 30.  The 4th, who we’ll call ”Marey”, has set herself up to be tortured on her 30th due to insensitive remarks to her friends such as “You look good for 30,” and “Of course you know the song ’Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto’… You’re 30.”  Ouch…who let that bitch talk?

Favorite Episode #5: “The One Where They All Turn 30” (Season 7, Episode 14)

Anyways, the Kiwi girls have handled the transition into their 30s with grace and ease (unlike our friends from Friends). ”Marey” won’t be as mature, and we foresee some serious denial and some hefty therapy bills in her future.

Watch here to see how we expect “Marey” to behave 

Behaviors to expect from “Marey”

• She will probably drink herself senseless
• She will probably blame God
• She will probably make an extravagant purchase (perhaps a new set of boobs)

If “Marey” wasn’t going to be married, she would probably also date a much younger man. Then we could give her the Cougar card for her birthday.

And now a fresh new trivia question! How old is Rachel’s boyfriend in this episode? And why does she decide to break up with him?

Remember, free shipping on all cards on Tuesday, September 22, enter promo code KWTFRNDS at checkout!

Visit us again Monday for Favorite Episode #6!